Part 1

Chapter 1

Okay, maybe I am boasting now. But it means a lot to me, being able to do my work well, especially that bit about my donors staying ‘calm’. Chapter 1

And I’m a Hailsham student—which is enough by itself sometimes to get people’s backs up. Chapter 1

There have been times over the years when I’ve tried to leave Hailsham behind, when I’ve told myself I shouldn’t look back so much. Chapter 1

What he wanted was not just to hear about Hailsham, but to remember Hailsham , just like it had been his own childhood. (About Donor from Dorset) Chapter 1

Tommy burst into thunderous bellowing, and the boys, now laughing openly, started to run off towards the South Playing Field. Chapter 1

‘I suppose it is a bit cruel,’ Ruth said, ‘the way they always work him up like that. But it’s his own fault.’ Chapter 1

Chapter 2

This was all a long time ago so I might have some of it wrong; … Chapter 2

I don’t know how it was where you were, but at Hailsham we had to have some form of medical almost every week… Chapter 2

When I’d finished, there was a funny sort of silence hanging in the dark, and I realised everyone was waiting for Ruth’s response—which was usually what happened whenever something a bit awkward came up. (After Kathy mentions Tommy’s teasing) Chapter 2

I can see now, too, how the Exchanges had a more subtle effect on us all. If you think about it, being dependent on each other to produce the stuff that might become your private treasures—that’s bound to do things to your relationships. Chapter 2

Chapter 3

‘You were saying something,’ I said to Tommy. ‘Something about Miss Lucy telling you it was all right not to be creative.’ Chapter 3

‘Shaking. With rage. I could see her. She was furious. But furious deep inside.’ (Tommy describes Miss Lucy when she told him it was OK not to be creative) Chapter 3

‘… What is this gallery? Why should she have a gallery of things done by us?’ (Kathy to Tommy) Chapter 3

‘She’s scared of us,’ she declared. (Ruth about Madame) Chapter 3

So you’re waiting, even if you don’t quite know it, waiting for the moment when you realise that you really are different to them; that there are people out there, like Madame, who don’t hate you or wish you any harm, but who nevertheless shudder at the very thought of you—of how you were brought into this world and why—and who dread the idea of your hand brushing against theirs. Chapter 3

Chapter 4

… but we all sensed that to probe any further—about what she did with our work, whether there really was a gallery—would get us into territory we weren’t ready for yet. Chapter 4

When you come across old students from Hailsham, you always find them, sooner or later, getting nostalgic about their collections. Chapter 4

My friends had, in any case, turned away and were carrying on with what they’d been doing. So I gave a shrug and went off with Ruth. Chapter 4

Chapter 5

She was probably embarrassed about it and so the whole thing had shrunk in her memory. About Ruth’s memory of the Secret guard episode. Chapter 5

I was never sure if Ruth had actually invented the secret guard herself, but there was no doubt she was the leader. Chapter 5

At this, I stood up, packed up the set and walked off. I never said out loud that she didn’t know how to play—disappointed as I was, I knew not to go that far—but my storming off was, I suppose, statement enough for her. (Kathy storms off after playing chess with Ruth) Chapter 5

I was never sure, of course, if she was telling the truth, but since she wasn’t actually ‘telling’ it, only hinting, it was never possible to challenge her. So each time it happened, I’d have to let it go, biting my lip and hoping the moment would pass quickly. (About Ruth’s cunning nature) Chapter 5

The woods were at the top of the hill that rose behind Hailsham House. All we could see really was a dark fringe of trees, but I certainly wasn’t the only one of my age to feel their presence day and night. Chapter 5

There were all kinds of horrible stories about the woods. Chapter 5

The guardians always insisted these stories were nonsense. But then the older students would tell us that was exactly what the guardians had told them when they were younger, and that we’d be told the ghastly truth soon enough, just as they were. Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Now, for much the same reasons I’d not been able to talk openly to Ruth about what I’d done to her over the Sales Register business, she of course wasn’t able to thank me for the way I’d intervened with Midge. Chapter 6

I can’t remember who it was—claimed after the lesson that what Miss Emily had said was that Norfolk was England’s ‘lost corner,’ where all the lost property found in the country ended up. Chapter 6

And that’s why, years and years later, that day Tommy and I found another copy of that lost tape of mine in a town on the Norfolk coast, we didn’t just think it pretty funny; we both felt deep down some tug, some old wish to believe again in something that was once close to our hearts. Chapter 6

And it was because of this cigarette that I got so secretive about the tape, right from the moment I found it at the Sale. Chapter 6

She stopped again and looked at us in a strange way. Afterwards, when we discussed it, some of us were sure she was dying for someone to ask: ‘Why? Why is it so much worse for us?’ But no one did. (Miss Lucy discusses smoking) Chapter 6

She was out in the corridor, standing very still, her head angled to one side to give her a view of what I was doing inside. And the odd thing was she was crying. It might even have been one of her sobs that had come through the song to jerk me out of my dream. (Madame finds Kathy dancing) Chapter 6

‘Gone to Norfolk.’ (Kathy about her tape) Chapter 6

Chapter 7

But those last years feel different. They weren’t unhappy exactly—I’ve got plenty of memories I treasure from them—but they were more serious, and in some ways darker. Maybe I’ve exaggerated it in my mind, but I’ve got an impression of things changing rapidly around then, like day moving into night. (Memories of the last years at Hailsham) Chapter 7

There were other little incidents like that, and before long I came to see Miss Lucy as being not quite like the other guardians. Chapter 7

‘All right, you can hear this, it’s for all of you. It’s time someone spelt it out.’ (Miss Lucy) Chapter 7

The problem, as I see it, is that you’ve been told and not told. (Miss Lucy) Chapter 7

None of you will go to America, none of you will be film stars. And none of you will be working in supermarkets as I heard some of you planning the other day. Your lives are set out for you. (Miss Lucy) Chapter 7

You were brought into this world for a purpose, and your futures, all of them, have been decided. (Miss Lucy) Chapter 7

Tommy thought it possible the guardians had, throughout all our years at Hailsham, timed very carefully and deliberately everything they told us, so that we were always just too young to understand properly the latest piece of information. Chapter 7

We still didn’t discuss the donations and all that went with them; we still found the whole area awkward enough. Chapter 7

‘But we were old enough,” Tommy said. “By that age, it should have occurred to us. But it didn’t. We didn’t think about poor Miss Lucy at all….’ Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Shame, as I say, had a lot to do with it, and also fury, though not exactly at Miss Lucy herself. I was very confused, and that’s probably why I didn’t say anything about it to my friends until much later. Chapter 8

Then without another word he marched past me off towards the main house. (Tommy storms off) Chapter 8

Looking back now, I can see we were pretty confused about this whole area around sex. That’s hardly surprising, I suppose, given we were barely sixteen. But what added to the confusion—I can see it more clearly now—was the fact that the guardians were themselves confused. Chapter 8

So I had my eye on Harry C. I chose him for a number of reasons. First, I knew he’d definitely done it before, with Sharon D. Next, I didn’t fancy him that much, but I certainly didn’t find him sick-making. Chapter 8

Chapter 9

‘And Tommy. I knew it wouldn’t last with Ruth. Well, I suppose you’re the natural successor.’ (Cynthia E) Chapter 9

‘What I want is for us to make a fresh start. We’re about evens now, we’ve both done daft things just to hurt each other, but it’s enough now.’ (Ruth to Kathy) Chapter 9

As I say, there would come a time when I’d think this was sweet; but that summer all I could see was that it advertised what a child he still was, and how easily you could take advantage of him. (About Tommy) Chapter 9

‘Tommy, I made a mistake, when I said what I did to you. And I should have put you right about it long before now.’ Then she’s saying I should forget everything she told me before. That she’d done me a big disservice telling me not to worry about being creative… ‘ (Miss Lucy to Tommy) Chapter 9

So I say: ‘But I’ll be all right, Miss. I’m really fit, I know how to look after myself. When it’s time for donations, I’ll be able to do it really well.’ (Tommy to Miss Lucy) Chapter 9

‘Look, there are all kinds of things you don’t understand, Tommy, and I can’t tell you about them. Things about Hailsham, about your place in the wider world, all kinds of things. But perhaps one day, you’ll try and find out. They won’t make it easy for you, but if you want to, really want to, you might find out.’ (Miss Lucy to Tommy) Chapter 9

Miss Emily had broken off from talking about Beethoven and announced that Miss Lucy had left Hailsham and wouldn’t be returning. Chapter 9

Part 2

Chapter 10

… no one really believed the essays were that important, and among ourselves we hardly discussed the matter. Chapter 10

We certainly didn’t think much about our lives beyond the Cottages, or about who ran them, or how they fitted into the larger world. None of us thought like that in those days. Chapter 10

He was this grumpy old guy who turned up two or three times a week in his muddy van to look the place over. He didn’t like to talk to us much, and the way he went round sighing and shaking his head disgustedly implied we weren’t doing nearly enough to keep the place up. (About Keffers) Chapter 10

A few of us, for a time, even tried to think of Keffers as a sort of guardian, but he was having none of it. Chapter 10

You have to remember that until that point we’d never been beyond the grounds of Hailsham, and we were just bewildered. Chapter 10

There was, incidentally, something I noticed about these veteran couples at the Cottages—something Ruth, for all her close study of them, failed to spot—and this was how so many of their mannerisms were copied from the television. Chapter 10

‘So that’s it, that’s what’s upsetting poor little Kathy. Ruth isn’t paying enough attention to her. Ruth’s got big new friends and baby sister isn’t getting played with so often…’ (Ruth to Kathy) Chapter 10

Chapter 11

To me, it was a betrayal. Because there wasn’t any doubt what she’d meant by it; she was referring to something I’d confided in her one night about me and sex. (About Ruth) Chapter 11

But I hadn’t minded him coming into the boiler hut after me. I hadn’t minded at all. I’d felt comforted, protected almost. (Kathy about Tommy) Chapter 11

Anyway, the point is, I’d had a few one-nighters shortly after getting to the Cottages. I hadn’t planned it that way. Chapter 11

Ruth shook her head. ‘It does sound a bit weird. But it’ll probably go away. It’s probably just to do with the different food we’re eating here.’ Chapter 11

Okay, she often bluffed and implied all sorts of things I knew weren’t true. Sometimes, as I said, she did things to impress the veterans at our expense. But it seems to me Ruth believed, at some level, she was doing all this on behalf of us all. Chapter 11

My plan was I’d find a really good wooden box for it all once I got to the Cottages. But when we got there, I could see none of the veterans had collections. It was only us, it wasn’t normal. (Ruth about throwing out her collection) Chapter 11

Another thing I noticed—and I could see it tied in—was the big hush that would descend around certain veterans when they went off on ‘courses’—which even we knew had to do with becoming carers. Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Though most of us had first come across the idea of ‘possibles’ back at Hailsham, we’d sensed we weren’t supposed to discuss it, and so we hadn’t—though for sure, it had both intrigued and disturbed us. Chapter 12

Since each of us was copied at some point from a normal person, there must be, for each of us, somewhere out there, a model getting on with his or her life. Chapter 12

Nevertheless, we all of us, to varying degrees, believed that when you saw the person you were copied from, you’d get some insight into who you were deep down, and maybe too, you’d see something of what your life held in store. Chapter 12

In fact, to be honest, my guess was that Chrissie and Rodney had made the whole thing up. (About seeing Ruth’s possible) Chapter 12

The point about Chrissie—and this applied to a lot of the veterans—was that for all her slightly patronising manner towards us when we’d first arrived, she was awestruck about our being from Hailsham. Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Tommy was looking at Ruth, clearly puzzled about whose side she’d taken, and I wasn’t sure either. Chapter 13

‘I heard about this girl up in Wales,’ Chrissie said. ‘She was Hailsham, maybe a few years before you lot. Apparently she’s working in this clothes shop right now…’
… ‘That’s Hailsham for you,’ Rodney said eventually, and shook his head as though in amazement. Chapter 13

‘What they said,’ Chrissie continued, ‘was that if you were a boy and a girl, and you were in love with each other, really, properly in love, and if you could show it, then the people who run Hailsham, they sorted it out for you. They sorted it out so you could have a few years together before you began your donations.’ Chapter 13

Chapter 14

‘You don’t understand,’ Ruth was saying. ‘If you were from Hailsham, then you’d see. It’s never been such a big deal for us. I suppose we’ve always known if we ever wanted to look into it, all we’d have to do is get word back to Hailsham …’ (Ruth to Kathy) Chapter 14

We kept on staring, and it looked like a smart, cosy, self-contained world. I glanced at Ruth and noticed her eyes moving anxiously around the faces behind the glass. Chapter 14

… and her face, especially when she was finishing her laugh with a shake of her head, had more than a hint of Ruth about it. Chapter 14

Maybe it was the tiredness suddenly catching up with us—after all, we’d been travelling since before dawn—but I wasn’t the only one who went off into a bit of a dream in there. We’d all wandered into different corners, and were staring at one picture after another … Chapter 14

‘But I think Tommy’s right,’ I said. ‘It’s daft to assume you’ll have the same sort of life as your model. I agree with Tommy. It’s just a bit of fun. We shouldn’t get so serious about it.’ Chapter 14

‘We all know it. We’re modelled from trash. Junkies, prostitutes, winos, tramps. Convicts, maybe, just so long as they aren’t psychos. That’s what we come from. We all know it, so why don’t we say it?’ (Ruth) Chapter 14

Chapter 15

‘… I don’t see how it makes any difference. Our models, what they were like, that’s nothing to do with us, Kath. It’s just not worth getting upset about.’ (Tommy) Chapter 15

Not long ago, when I was caring for Tommy, and I brought up our Norfolk trip, he told me he’d felt exactly the same. That moment when we decided to go searching for my lost tape, it was like suddenly every cloud had blown away, and we had nothing but fun and laughter before us. Chapter 15

‘Do you think it could be the same one? I mean, the actual one. The one you lost?’ (Tommy about the cassette) Chapter 15

‘… She told Roy that things like pictures, poetry, all that kind of stuff, she said they revealed what you were like inside. She said they revealed your soul.’ (Tommy recalling Miss Lucy) Chapter 15

‘… You have to think about how they’d protect themselves, how they’d reach things…’ (Tommy about his art) Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Perhaps we felt it was up to Ruth, that it was her call how much got told, and we were waiting to take our cue from her. Chapter 16

They’d both asked to start their training, and went off with cheerful smiles, but after that, for our lot anyway, the atmosphere at the Cottages changed forever. Chapter 16

But for me at least, this non-appearance of Hailsham students just added to a feeling that Hailsham was now far away in the past, and that the ties binding our old crowd were fraying. Chapter 16

And then there was the way Ruth kept pretending to forget things about Hailsham. Okay, these were mostly trivial things, but I got more and more irritated with her. Chapter 16

Then they were both looking at me, like I was now in charge of everything and it was up to me what happened next. Chapter 16

Chapter 17

It never occurred to me that our lives, until then so closely interwoven, could unravel and separate over a thing like that. Chapter 17

I knew them well enough to see they’d grown quite distant from each other. (About Ruth and Tommy) Chapter 17

‘… We’re not about to split, don’t get me wrong. But I’d think it was completely normal if you at least wondered about it. Well, Kathy, what you have to realise is that Tommy doesn’t see you like that. He really, really likes you, he thinks you’re really great. But I know he doesn’t see you like, you know, a proper girlfriend…’ (Ruth) Chapter 17

It wasn’t long after that I made my decision, and once I’d made it, I never wavered. I just got up one morning and told Keffers I wanted to start my training to become a carer. It was surprisingly easy. Chapter 17

Part 3

Chapter 18

For the most part being a carer’s suited me fine. You could even say it’s brought the best out of me. Chapter 18

They don’t know what to say to the whitecoats, they can’t make themselves speak up on behalf of their donor. (About struggling carers) Chapter 18

It was that exchange, when we finally mentioned the closing of Hailsham, that suddenly brought us close again, and we hugged, quite spontaneously, not so much to comfort one another, but as a way of affirming Hailsham, the fact that it was still there in both our memories. (Laura and Kathy) Chapter 18

I’d meant us, all the students who’d grown up with me and were now spread across the country, carers and donors, all separated now but still somehow linked by the place we’d come from. Chapter 18

It was like she’d been waiting and waiting for me to do something to her, and she thought the time had now come. (About Ruth) Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Beside me Ruth, for a second, seemed to panic. What do we do?’ she went. ‘Do we get out? No, no, let’s not get out. Don’t move, don’t move.’ (Kathy and Ruth arrive at Tommy’s recovery centre) Chapter 19

But I have to be honest: at that instant I wasn’t really thinking about Ruth. My heart had done a little leap, because in a single stroke, with that little laugh of agreement, it felt as though Tommy and I had come close together again after all the years. Chapter 19

‘Maybe this is what Hailsham looks like now. Do you think?’ (Tommy compares the boat to Hailsham) Chapter 19

‘I bet he was cut up about Chrissie though,’ said Ruth. Then to Tommy: ‘They don’t tell you the half of it, you see?’ (About Rodney after Chrissie completed) Chapter 19

‘I was pretty much ready when I became a donor. It felt right. After all, it’s what we’re supposed to be doing, isn’t it?’ (Ruth) Chapter 19

‘Kathy,’ she said, ‘I don’t really expect you to forgive me ever. I can’t even see why you should. But I’m going to ask you to all the same.’ (Ruth) Chapter 19

‘The main thing is, I kept you and Tommy apart.’ Her voice had dropped again, almost to a whisper. ‘That was the worst thing I did.’ (Ruth) Chapter 19

It wasn’t until a few days later I came to see what a difference that trip had made. All the guardedness, all the suspicions between me and Ruth evaporated, and we seemed to remember everything we’d once meant to each other. Chapter 19

Chapter 20

‘Yes, we’re doing this now and I’m glad we’re doing it now. But what a pity we left it so late.’ (Kathy perceiving Tommy’s thoughts) Chapter 20

But something was definitely gone, and they looked laboured, almost like they’d been copied. (Tommy’s drawings) Chapter 20

So that feeling came again, even though I tried to keep it out: that we were doing all of this too late; that there’d once been a time for it, but we’d let that go by, and there was something ridiculous, reprehensible even, about the way we were now thinking and planning. Chapter 20

Chapter 21

I think we were both reminded of that day we’d followed Ruth’s possible through another town. Chapter 21

I don’t know if she recognised us at that point; but without doubt, she saw and decided in a second what we were, because you could see her stiffen—as if a pair of large spiders was set to crawl towards her. (About Madame) Chapter 21

Her voice sounded almost sarcastic, but then I saw, with a kind of shock, little tears in her eyes as she looked from one to the other of us.
‘You believe this? That you’re deeply in love?’ (Madame) Chapter 21

‘Poor creatures. What did we do to you? With all our schemes and plans?’ She let that hang, and I thought I could see tears in her eyes again. (Madame) Chapter 21

Chapter 22

‘… Look at the two of you. You’ve turned out well. I’m sure you have much you could tell me to make me proud… ‘ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘… Hailsham was considered a shining beacon, an example of how we might move to a more humane and better way of doing things … ‘ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘… Well, you weren’t far wrong about that. We took away your art because we thought it would reveal your souls. Or to put it more finely, we did it to prove you had souls at all.’ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘Why did you have to prove a thing like that, Miss Emily? Did someone think we didn’t have souls?’ (Kathy) Chapter 22

‘… You Hailsham students, even after you’ve been out in the world like this, you still don’t know the half of it. All around the country, at this very moment, there are students being reared in deplorable conditions, conditions you Hailsham students could hardly imagine. And now we’re no more, things will only get worse.’ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘But what I don’t understand,’ I said, ‘is why people would want students treated so badly in the first place.’ (Kathy to Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘… It’s one thing to create students, such as yourselves , for the donation programme. But a generation of created children who’d take their place in society? Children demonstrably superior to the rest of us? Oh no. That frightened people. They recoiled from that.’ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘I can see,’ Miss Emily said, ‘that it might look as though you were simply pawns in a game. It can certainly be looked at like that. But think of it. You were lucky pawns…’ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘All you’ll find, as ever, are those vast government ‘homes,’ and even if they’re somewhat better than they once were, let me tell you, my dears, you’d not sleep for days if you saw what still goes on in some of those places.’ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘Marie-Claude has given everything for you. She has worked and worked and worked. Make no mistake about it, my child, Marie-Claude is on your side and will always be on your side. Is she afraid of you? We’re all afraid of you. I myself had to fight back my dread of you all almost every day I was at Hailsham. There were times I’d look down at you all from my study window and I’d feel such revulsion…’ (Miss Emily) Chapter 22

‘.. You see, I imagined it was about this woman who’d been told she couldn’t have babies. But then she’d had one, and she was so pleased, and she was holding it ever so tightly to her breast, really afraid something might separate them, and she’s going baby, baby, never let me go…’ (Kathy’s version of the dance incident) Chapter 22

‘.. I saw a new world coming rapidly. More scientific, efficient, yes. More cures for the old sicknesses. Very good. But a harsh, cruel world. And I saw a little girl, her eyes tightly closed, holding to her breast the old kind world, one that she knew in her heart could not remain, and she was holding it and pleading, never to let her go…’ (Madame’s versions of the dance incident) Chapter 22

‘I was thinking,’ I said, ‘about back then, at Hailsham, when you used to go bonkers like that, and we couldn’t understand it. We couldn’t understand how you could ever get like that. And I was just having this idea, just a thought really. I was thinking maybe the reason you used to get like that was because at some level you always knew.’ (About Tommy) Chapter 22

Unfortunately, my dears, I won’t be able to entertain you for as long as I’d like just now, because in a short while some men are coming to take away my bedside cabinet. Chapter 22

It’s a quite wonderful object. George has put protective padding around it, but I’ve insisted I’ll accompany it myself all the same. You never know with these men. They handle it roughly, hurl it around their vehicle, then their employer claims it was like that from the start. Chapter 22

It’s a beautiful object, I had it with me at Hailsham,so I’m determined to get a fair price. So when they come, I’m afraid that’s when I shall have to leave you. Chapter 22

Chapter 23

But what I couldn’t help noticing was how, more and more, Tommy tended to identify himself with the other donors at the centre. Chapter 23

A donor ‘on a fourth’, even one who’s been pretty unpopular up till then, is treated with special respect. Chapter 23

‘Ruth wanted the other thing for us,’ Tommy repeated. ‘All this is something else. Kath, I don’t want to be that way in front of you.’ Chapter 23

‘Tommy, are you glad Ruth completed before finding out everything we did in the end?’ Chapter 23

The memories I value most, I don’t see them ever fading. I lost Ruth, then I lost Tommy, but I won’t lose my memories of them. Chapter 23

I was talking to one of my donors a few days ago who was complaining about how memories, even your most precious ones, fade surprisingly quickly. Chapter 23

… if I waited long enough, a tiny figure would appear on the horizon across the field, and gradually get larger until I’d see it was Tommy, and he’d wave, maybe even call. The fantasy never got beyond that—I didn’t let it—and though the tears rolled down my face, I wasn’t sobbing or out of control. I just waited a bit, then turned back to the car, to drive off to wherever it was I was supposed to be. Chapter 23